attempt #334567

every so often I decide to really dedicate my self to keep a consistent blog about my first/second year of teaching. so I am off again in order to keep a record of all the craziness/fun/fantasticness of teaching six boys with autism. so I'm off...

today we spent the day at van courtland park. with sprinklers and a huge playground. overall it was a fun day despite three out of four of my kids crying. lets see kid #1 cried because hes turn on the swings was over, but then continued to cry because he was rubbing his eyes so hard that had now smeared sunblock into his eyes. He was crying, repeating "eyes, eyes, eyes." So I sort of cornered him on a bench and quick dumped so water on his face and washed his eyes off. Despite his scrambling to escape I managed to wash his eyes off. kid #2 cried because well, i don't know, he cries immediately between bouts of laughter. I really couldn't explain it, however I can tell you it took about ten minutes before it was really bothersome. kid #3 sobbed because his turn on the swings was over as well. With thirty kids on the playground and four swings, threes a limited amount of time per kid.
However a certain teacher decided that she was literally going to fight with me over a swing. I put my kid on an empty swing because he was waiting for an empty swing, as I put him on it she decided to tell me she, yes, she was next. I told her he was already on the swing and I am not going to make him get off, you'll have to wait. If i pulled him of the swing, he would have been on the ground stamping his feet in a tantrum is that worth it? not so much. She continued to tell me she told me she was next and I heard her, it was HER turn. Really? your turn? I didn't realize the swings were for adults. confused. its not like I didn't hate her already... because shes a psycho. I know she stole my markers. yea i said it. I want them back!
I went out during lunch to get a latte from DD and when I came back two fellow teachers were sitting outside on a blanket having lunch. I just thought what a fantastic idea. It is a beautiful day. I sat with them for the rest of my lunch. Tomorrow is definitely a picnic lunch. :)

life is about the choices you make

the choices that we make bring us to where we are today. i think it is more interesting how the choices that seem to be insignificant can make such a impression on your entire life. even more so, when you begin to regret that choice, how do you live with the choices you make. I must have been about 13, completely fabricated that age but young, when i decided that regretting is a waste of time and effort. Every decision, experience, or lesson, even those who seem to have negative consequences have value and contributes to the person and life you have now. Not to say, that I have been happy with everything I have ever done but that I would not take one thing back. I am here because of the choices I have made and the person I have become. Surely, at the time I thought certain experiences were difficult and challenging but because of each experience I try to learn something. I guess it is even more difficult when you end up in a devastating situation and you wonder how you ended up there. How could it be resolved or avoided? In the mean time, I just try to make good and thoughtful decisions, and hope they are for the best. this reflection has no bearing on my own life, I am in no devastating situation, just thinking......

google is my friend

so i am basically obsessed with google, i google all my random questions and find that other people are just as scattered as me. I wonder things such as, which is the most populated city, which is Mumbai, why my cat hates my boyfriend, which i still don't know, how to read Tarot cards, which I had a moment where i was interested, and so so much more. In addition, I will google my name to find out what comes up. I have diminished nearly all the postings which I didn't want associated with me, such as the facebook listing and silly comments on book and cds on amazon. Anyway, I have basically boiled my google search down to a random course listing (which I am strongly considering emailing the professor so he removes it) and my linked in profile. However, I was strolling through the pages of other Marguerites, like Marguerite Duress and so forth, to find about five pages in, a link to this poem site I used to belong to. OK background, back in 2004 (5 years ago) I was in high school: board and miserable, therefore I wrote "poetry," some of it is more poetry like then others having a rhythmic beat, others are just borderline scary, I must admit. I have not looked at these in years. It gave me a rather disturbing glimpse at how distraught I really was. Some of them I favor more than others, but overall I was impressed. I feel like now i lack that sort of passion to write in the same manner. Which is true, the passion was misery and now I am happy. I don't think I realized how unhappy I was. Most of the poem are centered around a person, who I know effected my life but I think I forgot/repressed the degree which he effected me. In hindsight, i know it wasn't just him, there were other things going on, I guess? Nonetheless, I was devastated. I have never been the person to sit around and mop, which is why i cannot recall being upset to this point but I think many of these writings demonstrate how I was really feeling despite everything else, I was just going through the motions. I see that now and it disturbs me. here, let me find one as an example.....

Death's Warm Arms

I want to drown myself in a tear filled puddle,

Slit my wrists with lover’s dagger,

Crush my skull with hatred’s words

And prey to die, escape this evil world.



I’m tired of playing such dangerous games,

With heart and life as lowest bid,

And winners are all soulless traitors.



I’m here alone, empty pockets and a vacant chest.

Because I gambled my heart and lost it all,

I’m left to wander empty shadows and broken memories.



There is no escape except death’s cold arms,

To carry me away from malicious matters,

But I stay here in a endeavor to be strong,

Yet I hate myself for being alive.




uggh. rough..... i haven't decided to delete them or not. Do i care if someone searches my name and then finds 5 pages in some random poems written when I was 17. I don't think so. If you want to search that hard, you deserve it.

is your heart healthy enough for sex?

hm. i just spent hours dying my hair, to have the slightest bit of red that I may just be so desperate to see that i am imagining it. so sad.

I am not going to lie and say that I cannot wait to get the twillight dvd that i preordered from amazon.

btw my cats are fucking crazed maniacs.

tomorrow is the trip to the hall of science. thursday is my second parent teacher conferences. crrrazy. too bad i am sititng on the computer instead of doing the number of things i should be. oh well. need to get laundry. then sleep.

i love cran juice & red peppers. not together. ewe.

multi tasking.

i must multitask at all times. for example, as i type away i am listening/watching the late Randy Pausch's lecture on time management. I just finished his book, the Last Lecture. I'd like to add, that in addition to listening to a lecture and typing a blog, I am now talking to my mom.

ok well i won't like i had to pause, because my mom started asking me a hundred questions that required me to search online for random addresses. Anyway, back to my point i must multi task. I remember back in the old days when we hooked up to the internet through dial up, I always have to be doing at least two other things or I would lose my mind and throw the computer out of the second floor window, which it was conviently sititng in front of. Things I used to do, were draw all over the table cloth and then table, play random games on the comuter, push bottons, chat on the phone, or, my favorite, play grand theft auto and kill random poeple. this was my favorite becuase it consumed my mind, while I waited the never ended loading but I got much of my frustration out of killing random characters.

I will continue to multi task by making this a two in one post and address my day yesterday as well.

rosa told me that yesterday was a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" much like Alexander had and she too was moving to austrilia. I realize now that I am doing something that i hate, by addressing something that may only be known to elementrary school kids and their teachers. However, i assume at one point everyone was a kid and may have read Alexanader than very bad day, and i'll leave it at that.

my assitant principal told me that one of my paraprofessionals would have to be switched out for another, becuase that one cannot be around another student for any longer. the worst part about it, that we really do work well together, we accomplish a lot. everyone gets a long very well, I know she is very close to the other paras and its unfair to her that she should be displaced becuase of the accusations of crazy woman. Sadly, as i told them, there is absolutely nothing i can do about it. I feel like the expected me to change it, but I have not even been there a year and i have NO say. Even if i did, the ap doesn't care, me fighting her would only make it worse. she could careless about my feelings on the matter. all i had to say was, it is what it is.

yesterday, we went to an assembly. I used to love assemblies, yay! no class! I thought it would be pretty similar as a teacher, yay! no class! FALSE. maybe that would be true, if i went without my class, but its seems that they follow me wherever I go, seriously, one kid asked me if he could go to the bathroom with me. If this kid had the option he'd follow me home, except I told him I live at the school.

the assembly was a belated black histoy month celbreation with an african music and dance show. It started with Evan, he was all hyped for the show. If we could go to a show everyday, he'd be pleased, well until we got there and then he'd lose it. my kids have difficulty with waiting periods, especially Evan, wait is something he doesn't entirely grasp. So as we were waiting he was grabbing and scratching me, his mom was there also to see the show, was telling him to stop from down the asile. Then a kid behind me, in a friend's class, started to get anxious. His teacher referes to him as a "bulldog" or the "protector." He doesn't appreciate student on teacher violence. He was beginning to get agitated with Evan's abuse and in one quick motion, took his book and smacked Even in the back of the head. It was so fast no one could stop him and Evan didn't even have an idea of what happened. His mom was in hysterics, not in the overly concerned "is my child harmed" way, but that dying of laughter way. She is oh to aware of Evan's behavior and found it down right amusing that he got a taste of his own medicine. Soon enough, Evan was wrapped up against my arm, calm as a cucomber.

Next, Juno (I can never keep track of the fake names i give the kids, so Juno it is) Juno, a boy, is a big baby. He is ten and crying every single day should be far beyond him, but at home he does what he wants when he wants and at school its slightly a different story, which he really doesn't appreciate. Everyday he tries to tell us no school, and then breaks and cries. To me and the paras, his crying is built into our routine, we move on with our lives and push him along. However, at assembly people think there is something genuinely wrong with the poor boy crying. I want to say no, he's crying becuase he is a spoiled brat. I adore him, but he is a brat. So now on one side, I have the scratcher on the other Juno is off and on weeping.

is it beginning to be clear why assemblies are less than fantastic?

Then, oh no it doesn't stop. some "selected" students were invited to go on stage and dance with the performers. I'd lke to preface this part of the story with, there were about 500 people there including all the units, principals and parents. I'll contine, John wanted to go on stage, however no one "selected" him to go, so he couldn't just walk up there. I had to no voice in the selection process, but John did not care. He was giving the para next to him a hard time, so i squezzed my way down the asile to assist in a discrete contaniment. I'd like to also add, we were sititng dead center in the front. I attempted not to make a big scene, as I did that my lovely student was continously throughing his elbow into my chest, body weigh behind it. Then I finally got him to sit down next me, and he continued his fit unitl he bit me! yes, i said it the little fucker bit me. I couldn't belive it. See, I had a seweater and long sleeve shirt on, so i didnt feel it right away until the pinch. my response: oh my god, he bit me. he's out of here. I had a male para from another class help me escort him out. I got outside and told him that I was going to tell the police if he didn't behave, there were about 6 security guards there and I used them in my ploy for him to knock his nonesense off.

then i had an iep meeting for an hour in a hot, stuff, tiny room with 6 people scrunch into. :(

things you may not no about me.

tv shows/ commericals always make me cry. i remember the red cross commerical for katrina, made me cry every time. the pet shelter commerical with sarah mcglaglican with the yellow lab at the end is a consistent tear starter. various commericals, documentaries and so on will make me cry like a small child. somehow these stories, even when they are poorly told, just touch my soul and make me so sad.

i will watch almost anything on tv. anything. i should never be in charge of the clicker, becuase i will literally stop on something in another language just becuase it sounds interesting. for example, now i am watching a documentary on two svant twins with autism. huh?

fuzzy animals make me really happy. When I lived in nc, and I wasn't allowed to have a pet, I would go to pet stores and shelters and just look at the animals. so sad.

when i was 5 i had a pet guinea pig, candy, my parents told me that she was lonely and needed to go back to the pet store with the other guinea pigs. I was devasted. i mean devasted, but i understood that she needed friends too and let her go with my best wishes. I was 16, driving in the car with my mom when i realized candy had died. ha.

i am ridcioulsy random.

i also wish i could speak in all alterations all the time, but i am not that skilled.

today, it snowed, a lot. it was aweful. you'd think i'd like snow more becuase it is really pretty, its almost glittery but i don't. it stabbed you in the eye with its icy litle tenticals. i got my pretty suade boots all wet. so sad.

oh, i am also terribly curious. I need to know things. If i may be obessesed with google. I am also a collection of random facts like blondes have more hair strands than any other hair color, cats sleep up to 14 hours a day, and from pointer finger to pointer finger is your height. see why are those things important? their not, really but the randomly interesting.

i am board.

obviously.

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging

somehow i found myself taking a personality test of sorts, i began searching for a free myer-briggs, or somthing to that effect, test and stumbled upon something else. I discoverd the aforementioned title is what I apperantly am, which somehow based on agreeing on disaggreing to several statments the system has been able to completely and adequately described me. Even more so, it easily outlines jobs that I either currently have, teaching, or those I am/was interested in, counseling, pyschology, etc.

it is kind of incrediable that by taking some test it can outline my personality. jung was truly an inspirational. I think its interesting from a serious of statements, that a test can identify me. pyschometrics can be really interesting, at times at least. this makes me miss actually learning, which is something I absolutly do not do at my current "masters" program.

btw. motion city soundtrack is fantastic.

today was a long day. I am trying to make a real effort at accomplishing the things on my ever expanding to do list. I spent time after a long day at work trying to do so. However, i was exhausted by the never ending chaos in my room. One of my students has been on a rampage the last few days, this is only made worse by the usual antics my children are into. One is screaming at this point, another is throwing something around the room, another is repeating everything I say, one is talking to himself and the last is trying to pull some control into the room. Ugh. Sometimes I have to laugh and other times its hard to find the smile. Back to the student on a rampage, we'll call him Jorge. Jorge has been in a very hostile mood lately. He is the one who was kicking me with his snow boots, until I took them off and throw them accross the room. Today he nearly kicked another, much smaller student, in the head. Lovely. He has knarled the hands of my paras, and ruined my sweater my pulling until it strectch nearly 5 times the orignal size. sigh.

Today was no different than the last few days for me. He is hitting, scratching, pinching, screaming, and kicking all day. Sometimes, I just do not know what to do. There are weeks where he is doing so much better. My hands have remained scratch free for weeks. Then all of the sudden he is out for blood. There is nothing I can do to stop him. Today he was so upset, he went on for twenty minutes until he could hardly catch his breath. I know I only have six kids with three paras, but these six kids take at least four of us to handle. I so much want to help them make progress, but sometimes I lose sight of how to do that. I try.

At the end of the day, Eric was listening to the morning meeting music with headphones on. He was so cute I nearly exploded with laughter. He was standing, weaving back and forth to the music while singing. He was singing "Simon Says." He was terrible, off beat and tone deaf, but just so cute. I was convering my face in hysterics. Kids are too much.

I am drinking wine and it tastes good.



p.s. this was super random, goes no where entry. lame.

I am, in fact so sad.

I think i may have to admit, that I am more stressed out than I thought I was. I am not quite sure how that happens, that I have become all stressed without actually realizing it. In this case, I have to somehow pin point what it is exactly that is stressing me out. I feel like for ever minimal gain I make, something trips me up and makes me fall back again.

My cats basically knocked over her computer and broke my zip drive. my zip drive with all over my work. Months of work, that I have taken hours to put together.


I am going to sleep.



so sad.


so stressed.



P.S. I decided a TO DO list may help map out my life. (to do list #4567890)
1. alternate assessment nonsense
2. room set up
3. finish all half started projects (bulletin boards, walls, etc)
4. program books
5. run these program books
6. put together materials for programs (d0 before #5)
7. clean room
8. organize rest of life.
9. check homework
10. social stories
11. acutally administer spelling test
12. write pen pal letters
13. teach
14. begin paining (ha)
15. go to the gym.
16.new flash drive
17. materials for next week
18. iep letter for feb.
19. trip request.



ah.

I'll punch you in the head

The alarm clock buzzed every ten minutes for an hour before it turned off. I still laid under my blankets desperately hiding from the cold reality of a winter Monday morning, the first day of my spring semester classes. The cats ran across the bed and over me, in their best efforts to wake me up for their breakfast. My alarm began its attempts at waking me up at six, but I refused to leave my warm cocoon until seven twenty. I was dreading this day since Friday. I was in for several hours of mind numbing classes after a full day of work. I was less than looking forward to it.

I was rushing to work because I was running late, due to my late waking up. There are things that you never realize that will throw off your entire morning and cause your children to throw a fit. I burned a new morning meeting cd, a short and sweet version. Honestly, morning meeting had gotten out of hand. We could go without two color songs or two number songs, one is quite enough. There is not enough time in the day to waste it with that nonsense. Due to this and the current cd skipping, I burned a new cd. I ordered the songs, the same as it had been, or atleast I thought so. I began playing the cd, first it started with the wrong song and then it was skipping. This just set off half of my kids. Eric was basically infuriated that the songs were out of order and then to top that, now it was skipping. How could I?

I quickly tried to fix the cd, but remembered I had it as a play list on my ipod. I used that instead, knowing that it would not skip despite the lack of order. Which I realized happened because I never named the tracks correctly is why they are all mixed up. After this meltdown, we attempted to move one with our schedules.

Shortly after, one students, well call him Jarod decided that he felt like it was about time for him to have his own personal meltdown. Jarod will have his daily bouts of flipping out. He does the most amazing gymnastics around and about the room, as he screams and cries over something seemingly ridiculous. For example, for the longest time the morning meeting book were on rings. A simple, silver ring held the book together. For weeks, every morning he would fuss over these books, finding something about turning the page so frustrating that he would usually throw the book across the room and toss his entire body onto the ground. If only I was slightly overestimating. Today, he was throwing a hissy fit filled with his usually whining during our literacy lesson.

After a few moments of his delightfulness, I banished him to the desk. In my class, if you cannot follow rules during the group activity you can move to your desk and finish your work alone. In my two by four foot room, his desk is about a foot and half away but it does the trick most of the time. Even when the kids act as if they'd don't want any part of the activity, it kills them to be removed. However, Jarod will either quickly get over it and be ready to return or will continue his fit for the entire morning. Luckily for me, he decided this would be a long morning. He lay on the floor as pair "sit down" with a visual prompt, a picture of a student sitting which reads "sit down." We continue this while he is screaming, "stop yelling or I'll punch you in the head." An important side note, one that I shared with Jarod is that he was the only one screaming. I try to get him to sit down for about fifteen long minutes. He refuses, is incoherently screaming and yelling. At this time, the paraprofessionals have taken over feeling and spelling bingo.

Time continued and he calmed down, I moved him to an area where he could continue to calm down and we could continue our activity. Two of my three paraprofessionals went to lunch and it was me and one other. Jamie of course had to go to the bathroom, so my last and final paraprofessional took him. I was teaching my kids about where they live, in New York City and what is special about living here with a chart sized graphic organizer. As we were doing this, Jarod decided he still had more in him. He was now running around the room, screaming. I kept sending him back to the seat and he kept coming back. Now, I am trying to run a lesson while getting up every minute to take Jarod back to his seat, all while he is screaming. I sat between Jarod and the rest of the class, so I could monitor him while trying to complete the lesson. I was spelling out the words for the Eric who was writing on the board for me, when Jarod is screaming behind me. I turn around to find he has removed his shoes and is attempting to scale a cabinet. What I want to ask him, is "seriously, what are you doing?"

Finally the my savior, the paraprofessional returned to be the monitor of Jarod so I could continue the lesson. I returned to the group at the kidney table. Now, they were using the graphic organizer to respond to a letter I had written them. As part of our Pen Pal program, I have them practice writing letters back forth to me. While doing this, Zach gets up and take Jermeys pencil because he needs an eraser and Zach flies at him and grabs him. I quickly dissolved that. All over an eraser, Zach is willing to tackle him to the ground. Then Jermey is being fresh and telling me how he doesn't want to do this. The Tommy smacks his hand. Sigh. Sometimes I just can't help but laughing, like really??? What are you doing? Nothing is simple. Nothing. After, I called chaos to order, we completed our work successful and went to lunch.

The amount of effort it takes to get throw one lesson is amazing. Sometimes I don't know how I make it through.


BTW: these are not the actual names of my studets, but random names I assign to them in order to tell the sotry of my day.

magic chairs.

This short 4 day week has been a whirlwind of meetings, deadlines and demands outside the usual requirements of simply teaching. When one becomes a teacher there are many things that the high powers decide to leave out, to discover it on your own. Before I began teaching, I had this ideal vision in my head. This is much like anything I do, as an event slowly approaches I imagine how its going to be, try to picture myself in the scenerio. I thought about the lessons I would teach, the children I would get to know, and similar circumstances. However, there are many aspects of teaching I was never prepared for. One thing, for example, is being a "boss," so to say, to other adults. No one prepares you to walk into a room and be in charge of adults who 1. have over ten years expereince each and 2. are easily old enough to be my mother. This part, I choose to approach as a team effort rather than a "boss" sitituation.

Second, no one mentions the overwhelming stacks and stacks of paperwork. There are two sides to teaching. One is where you work with kids and teach lessons, shape lives and all that. Second is where your time is tormented with clerical nonesene. I swear, the amount of paperwork that I go through each and everyday, consumes whole forests. From the assesments, IEPs, state assesments, programs, school forms, district letters, and so on, it is begining to pull on my sanity.

I WANT TO TEACH. Honestly, I enjoy it most and I think the demands of nonsense paperwork are unfair to my kids. Today I spend an entire hour and a half in my classroom. Does that make sense? This truly confuses me. This morning I had a new techers meeting. It was followed by writning goals for a triannual IEP review, which I was infromed about yesterday at 2:30. I had to finish a trip request, a form that my school requires we fill out in order to justify us going to McDonalds, I hope this sounds as ridiculous to you as it is to me. Finally, I draged myself to a triannual IEP meeting for another hour. On way back to the classroom, I heard my friend's class getting roudy and stopped in to see if I could offer a hand. I walked in to find her wearyly trying to assemble lunch, begging for the end of the day to come as her rambonsious six were bouncing of the walls screaming. I sat with one student trying to get him to calm down and eat his snack, so she could work with the others.

Eventually I made it back to my classroom. I just wanted to enjoy the time with the students. I moved our kidney table and chairs to the side. The radio was already playing, I started the head, shoulders, knees and toes song. I gathered the particpating students and began some real exercisse, for children who lack recess. We continued with simon says. The students and I did some stretches. Everyone was having a delightful time. The cd ended and I went to my ipod to find some chidlren's music. After this, we danced for a while. I encouraged them to dance with each other, as I danced with them for one of a time. Most kids were laughing and playing. Then I decided we'd play the game with chairs, magic chairs? Oh wait, musical chairs. We played a rousing three round game of musical chairs. By the finally round, everyone was playing and laughing and having a blast. I would dance around with them and evern the kids who were out continue to dance and sing to "Under the Sea." We danced, laughed and played for an entire hour and it was fantasitc. The children enjoyed themselves and were able to get out some of their pent up energy. This is what I want to to do everyday, if only....


:)

no here I am at my aprtment where I need to clean for the bf.

jobless.

yesterday, i found out that my close friend had lost her job. It made me think of this UFT letter that I received the other day. The writer was talking about how at a conference the other day she asked the people there if they knew someone who had recently lost their job, more than half the people in the room raised their hand. The letter goes on pleading for me to take some sort of action, I am unsure what exactly because I only read the first paragraph. However, it got me thinking. I wondered about my own job security. At the time, the increase in unemployment had left everyone I knew unharmed, until now that it is.

I was chatting with her online about an article she wanted me to review. She just nonchalantly threw it in like it was a minor detail. I was surprised. She recently started working for Christie's auction house and truly enjoyed it. She moved into a pricey apartment in Brooklyn. As she told me this, I just felt so bad for her because I really have no idea what I would do if I was let go. It nearly worse than getting fired because you actually had no fault. You just lost your livelihood because of circumstances completely out of you control, utterly unfair.

Being in education, I am better off than some, however i am still aware that I was am new and would be one of the first to go with all the budget cuts. However, working with the population I do, it seems like classes will grow every year.

It just made me sad, sad for her and all the other people who have lost their jobs.

the first day

today, i began one of my new books, "Letters to a Young Teacher" by John Kozol. It made me think about my first day....

I was terrified. I had planned activities, but who knew if I was on target at all. Would my kids do them, or would they stare at me? would they throw a desk out the window? or run down the hall? This was my first day, of my first year of my first real job and it was teaching 6 eight to ten year old diagnosed with autism. Again, I was terrified.

I had an entire 8 weeks of training. when did I ever expect that to be enough to go on and shape lives?
I rarely get nervous. I think its because I usually get myself into such predicaments, that my nervous systems had developed an enhanced coping system. Nonetheless, I was unusually nervous for my first day because I really had no idea of what to expect. I repeatedly asked, all summer, could we ditch the theoretical nonsense and could someone please tell what am I supposed to do the first day. However, my pleas for real advice we left unanswered.

Here I was, the morning of my first day. Although, I was nervous it was to a mild extent, however personally extreme. I slept fine and went about my normal morning routine as usual. I anticipated parking to be easier than it was, which left me paralyzed with fear that my first day I was going to be late. After my summer experience, I was terrified of getting towed, again. This left me wandering for the perfect space. The clock was ticking and the minutes were climbing. Its amazing how its times like these when each minute is priceless. every second is being counted. I finally resorted in calling the office, to find out where there was a garage because I was desperate and slowly losing my mind. I am not going to lie, I was fighting back the nervous, anxious, terrified, and frustrated tears. I called my mom. She attempted to calm me down, while I paid $15 to park in the garage. It was enough and was breathing normally. I hung up and began to gather my things: a water bottle with three monarch caterpillars, my purse and calendar.
I was determined to get to work on time, at this point it was really to late. I was panicked. I started for the steps in a haste. I should know that holding the bar down the stairs is a constant requirement because of my klutz history, but my hands were full and i was rushing. As i reached the last landing before the door. My stupid Fit Flops, that don't fit at all, caught the edge and down I went. My things were everywhere, poor caterpillars. I was know in the dirt and stone, covered in butterfly water. owe. I looked down to find my knee covered in dirt and blood. I had this huge over three inch by two inch oval on my knee. I quickly pulled myself together and got a move on. My knee was throbbing and I would have preferred sitting in the dirt and crying, but that really wasn't an option. I needed to be at work ten minutes ago. My knee marked me, I was a failure.

I quickly started walking down the street, when some man decided now would be the time to chat. I have always been utterly confused by this. Why random strangers decide I am the person to hold full conversations with I will never know. The strange man asked me what I was doing, remarked I was too young to be a teacher and then informed me I was bleeding. It was obvious. I was bleeding, all down my leg. Truly, it was sexy.

I quickly excused myself and continued to near run to school. I finally arrived in the cafeteria, when my students. Yes, "my" students were sitting with my three paraprofessionals. There was no sense of urgency, they understood and had already determined that I couldn't find parking. I went over to the school nurse, I use that term loosely. Her suggestion for my dirt filled and bleeding knee was to wash it with soap in water in the girls bathroom. Frustrated with her lack of nursing, I went in put my leg in the children's sink and began to wash. My mothers a nurse, once a school nurse, and this act of nursing was appalling and I knew it.
After washing, she gave me a quasi band aid and basically wished me luck. The rest of the day, was basically a blur. I called my mom at lunch crying. The morning had got me so frazzled that I could barely function properly. The day went on, I calmed down and focused on the 6 kids I was responsible for. I tried to get to know them and soon enough the day was over.

On the way home, I determined that the part of my day that was legitimate teaching was fine, it was actually great. I taught when many veteran teachers ran around trying to get their classrooms together. I knew this would be a process, and I was ready to patiently wait it out. I realized it was the morning before school that actually had me believe the school day was awful, but teaching was great. I felt like this is where I am supposed to be, this comes naturally to me. I feel at ease here and it makes me happy. I looked forward to the next day. I do my best, and take things one day at time. That's all I can do.

I will always remember my first day of teaching.

silly girl.

the other day i was trying to tell my mom how, there is no way that the things that happen to me or I do to myself happen to other people because they are usually beyond ridiculous. I was reminded of this just moments ago when i was holding my phone and sneezed and somehow throw my phone at my computer. ha. what started this was Friday when a slew of events caused be to laugh at myself, as usual. which then led me to think of all the random dilemmas i get myself in. It started Friday, when i went out with some ladies from work to have a drink. as I accidentally parked too far away when its below freezing outside.

when i went to leave, I turned my uncomfortably cold car on for stutter and shut off. I laughed out loud which was followed by an "oh shit." I tried again. same thing. "damnit." Well my car's gas low light comes on whenever it wants, despite the half a tank of gas so I religiously keep track of the miles on the trip odometer. Well apparently I must be less devout than I liked to think because I must have lost track, or at least that's what I was hoping for. a lack of gas is the nothing compared to something like catastrophic engine failure. The girls were waiting to follow me on the corned in their cars, so i wondered over to embarrassingly admit i was out of gas and to have one of them take me to the gas station. all in all i got gas, froze to death while pouring it in my tank, spilled it all over, and almost slipped while carrying it but got my car started. Oh by the way, i wasn't just heading home but driving over two hours to my boyfriends in pa. ha.

the next day, i was leaving my friends after having brunch and reached down to itch my leg. I realized then there was something under my stockings that was wrapped around my leg. this is where it gets random, somehow I got a hair tie wrapped around my leg under my stockings, and it was now tightly embedded in my calf. It only took me idk 5 hours to notice the slowing of circulation but more so how does that happen? someone tell me that they once got a hair tie stuck under their stocking, onto their calf? I have my doubts.

btw. the other night is spilled white wine on my laptop, in past events i have spilled paint thinner, and ice tea.

lastly, this was my knee after my first day of teaching. Yes. my first day of my first real job, i fell and scrapped my knee. Enough so that, random stranger stopped me to comment on my blood loss, with a "oh your bleeding." Because without their enlightened comment, I would have never realized. sexy huh?














this is my life.

ugh.

fist of all its is fucking freezing, i'd like it to stop please because apperantly i have no idea how to dress properaly for cold ass weather. My lack of weather readiniess is so evident that the unit corrodator wrote my a note to wear real shoes with socks tomorrow, incase i got confused. HA. rather than my BCBG grandma shoes I wore today, only one person will know the shoes I am referring to but trust me their grandma shoes. ok so now on to real life...

so last night i wasted my life away reading a book I have already read, ughhh new moon. I need to use my time more wisely but that is so much less fun. Today as I was driving to school, I began to to daze off, as usual as I sat in traffic, I was just picture the pecies of my life drifting away, everything (mostly at work) is so chaoitc and constiantly changing that it is pull apart everything else. I just need to pull everything together, just tie the loose ends up becuase it is becoming ridiculous. I am basically an organized person, I need things to be set up so that I can fucntion on a daily basis. I can't stand lookig for something, it is just a waste of the oh so limited time I have, mostly at school. At my apartment, I spend at least 30% looking for something I put down somewhere never to see again, this is largely because I have to cats who think they are pack rats. Anything I put down that they can pick up and carry away in their mouth I will basically never see again. I think they may have stole my pearl necklace. WTF.

See even my post needs to be pull together, so back to my orginal point, uugh. School is crazy. I think every teacher is slowly losing their mind in a sea of paperwork. It is less than delightful. Alternate assesments have been haunting my life for too long now. I have 6 in three different grades and I stayed after school today to get it over with becuase I can't find the time in the day. I just feel guitly for taking that away from my kids, don't they need every instructional moment they can get? It would be different if this were just one thing, but everytime I turn around, its something else I am supposed to hold off on teaching to compelete. Well I am done with that, I like teaching so I will continue to do so and use my spare to compelte all the bs.Which it really is, as I sat there and went throgh my SIX alternate assesment I thought how much bs this truley is and for mutliple reason. 1. any child can get a 4 depending on the teacher, so is it really a test of the student or how creative the teacher can be and is that the point? second it is crap that they don't give us any support within the classroom, we should have subs or time alloted solely to do this since it is required. 3. Its just dumb. 4. beucase I was at school until 6 30 completeing it. 5. becuase its dumb.

but a highliht would be one of my less verbal kids asked my an unprompted full question, and that made me really happy. :) plus my kids are actually starting to learn my name. :)

is it wrong that I am too mentally exhausted to walk 15ft to the kitchen to get my food.... :(

i may be a teeney booper?

today is Friday and that is just fantastic. I am staying here this weekend, while the bf works (so sad). It will be nice because I am going to spend sometime with my lady friends, that I don't get to see, especially Melanie who ditched me for the Manhattan campus (boo).

today the topic of the lunch conversation was favorite books of all time. As everyone began chatting about the books they like best, i quickly became intimidated. I thought I read a decent amount of a variety of books, however I was completely out shone by the other teachers as they rattled of lists of world renowned authors and titles. I am currently reading the Twillight series for the second time (eh), hence the teeney booper reference, but can I honestly say I can't get enough. However, teenange vampire romance just didn't fit into the whirlwind of acedmia. The only other books I could think of Harry Potter, a child's wizarding drama is not much of an improvement. The rest of the seventy (according to living social) some odd books that I've read vanished from my mind. I guess my book tases is similar to music choices. I like a large arrangment and my favorite band changes every day, as do my favorite book, color, food, ativity, bladah, bladah bladah...

p.s. dr. phil seriously gets on my nerves.


he he he, i love it, i love it and I don't care who knowwws it.

its been a while.

i will cut right to the chase. I love my job, I really do, but sometimes I think it may be causing me to lose my mind. Let me explain,

For the holidays I had a delightful twelve days off. It was unbelievably relaxing. I almost forgot what my kids looked like. I was able to sleep late and relax. As the days begin to dwindle, I couldn't even imagine how I was going to get up at 6 on Monday morning and go to work. Even worst, the kids have been on vacation too. During their vacation, they get to play and run a muck, basically do whatever they please. Once the students are dragged to school, I force them to do work, sit in the chair and refrain from attacking their classmates and myself. Obviously, less fun.

When I got to work I was exhausted but it was not as bad as I had imagined. Most of the kids were actually delighted to be back and seemed to miss me. I was thrown off by this strange behavior. There was one student, I'll call him Trevor, was in hysterics all day. I had to tell him to be quiet because he was doubled over in laughter. However I tried, I would just get caught by his contagious laugh and found myself just as loud. This was the fun part, here comes the less fun part:

Anther student, I'd call him Eric. Eric is really smart and sweet however he is very stubborn and his behavior can be out of control and aggressive. He'll hit and kick me, so one and so forth. In one super fun outburst, he stood in the corner near my desk with these blue baby scissors, literally they didn't measure more than two inches. He stood there cutting in the air, shouting "I'll cut you, I'll cut you" with his menacing smile. I was boggled by this, I stood there for a moment holding back the laughter and wondering if those scissors could even cut paper beside myself... but I figured it wasn't the best idea to take a chance. So I got my scissors back, immediately.
Eric was happy to be back because he liked school. However, he still wants to just do whatever he wants. It is true, no one wants to do what someone else says. I told Eric to sit down and then he was off on tangent. Next thing I know he was kicking and punching me. It was awesome. I have tried everything I can think of yelling, not yelling, taking everything he wants, giving him everything he wants, rewarding him and so on.

I deiced today would be the day I'd bring my last threat into play. I was sending him to the "baby" class. He disliked his class from last year, because he wanted to be a big boy and he considered this class the baby class. So I took him our and started walking there. Apparently, he didn't realize where we were going until we reached the door. At that point he took off running. As a general life rule: I do not run, especially in public places. Running is just asking to fall, in no way will it get me there faster, just embarrass me more. In this case, I walked behind him as kept stealing glanced back, and ran back into the room. I watched him, and I had to choke back the laughter because it was seriously ridiculous. I held tight to the mad teacher face.
and these are the moments that make me feel like I am slowly losing grip on my mind.